Rough night. I had good news this morning and I thought my challenge would be to find some song that I hadn't used to evoke my mood. I was so wrong.
I went out with friends tonight to celebrate and came home devastated. One word spoken was enough to crush the mood and leave me wooden. And when I was alone, waiting for the train, trying not to break down into tears, sobbing like a baby. I never expected it from this group of friends. I wasn't crushed; just really, really disappointed and questioning whether I had made the right choice in this group. It wasn't a real existential debate, just the things that one things when considering how one got to such a pivotal moment in time. I'm not abandoning my friends. But I am not sure how to behave now.
I am not sure I believe that he didn't know what he was saying. I doubt question whether he truly didn't understand the gravity of what he said. No matter the answer to those questions, what was said was said and it is now there for me to respond to. My first instinct was to hurt back, but I am an adult now and that is no longer my way. My current instinct is to withdraw from my friends as I wonder if they too are thinking and saying the same thing behind my back. Not as a conspiracy but just out of a painful ignorance.
This incidence seems appropriate to what we discussed tonight. I hear him asking me the same question that I expressed earlier tonight. And it's tempting for me to walk away. But I won't.
Anyway, this is the song that seems appropriate to my mood right now.