Tonight has been a night. I spent a bit of time thinking and praying, crying and mourning.
On Monday, the College of Cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church will convene to begin discussion about the issues that the Church is facing and what the Church needs in a Pope. After their discussion, they will eventually select our next Pontiff. Until then we are Pope-less (Sede Vacante).
For my part, I am partially optimistic. I am hopeful that our next pope will address the scandals that have rocked the Church--mainly the child abuse and cover up. I really want to see the Church and its leadership do right by the children who were harmed. I want an apology. I want changes. I want it made right. So that nothing like this ever happens again: the abuse or the priest shuffle and ass-covering.
But the cynical side of me is not holding my breath. I know that the kinds of things that need to happen to begin to address the harm done will tear apart the Church in such a way it will take a while rebuild. Not to say that we should protect the Church over children. I would never, ever say or imply something as wicked as that. But, I am realistic about how hierarchy works. It will take some deep honesty and humility to activate the root-level change that needs to happen. Considering how things have been handled so far, I am not at all hopeful.
So how does one respond when one's Church does not live up to the ideals upon which it was founded? I am not free to leave yet. I have no place to go; no other place where I'd want to worship. But without change, I cannot see myself raising children in such an environment. And, while I know that the I would be raising a family in a local Church where I would have more oversight, I am still not quite willing. Some of it is that I don't want to commit myself on that level; but I am not yet free to leave.
This heartbreak song, seems somewhat appropriate for my current angst. It helps that it's Adele. She's quite good at communicating so much emotion with they turn of a phrase.