Song of the Day: Wednesday

Today I got a chance to meet the amour of a friend. Nice. Really she is. She's just not me. And I was disappointed. It made it so real. The only single, marriageable man that I'd consider is unavailable.

It's hard not to take it personally. I had a bit of a Neruda moment: "Another's. []He will be another's." I took today to pout in bed and read. No dinner because I wasn't hungry. And I called a friend to whine and moan about it.

I got a wake up call about what life could be. I will be content to live my life, but I am still disappointed.

So, this song by Adele tonight.

Song of the Day: Tuesday

There is a boy that I like. Actually he is a man. The only problem is that I know he likes me...as a friend. But, I'm not sure if he is interested in more. I certainly am interested in more.

This song seems appropriate for lovers angst.

Song of the Day: Sunday

Tonight has been a night. I spent a bit of time thinking and praying, crying and mourning.

On Monday, the College of Cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church will convene to begin discussion about the issues that the Church is facing and what the Church needs in a Pope. After their discussion, they will eventually select our next Pontiff. Until then we are Pope-less (Sede Vacante).

For my part, I am partially optimistic. I am hopeful that our next pope will address the scandals that have rocked the Church--mainly the child abuse and cover up. I really want to see the Church and its leadership do right by the children who were harmed. I want an apology. I want changes. I want it made right. So that nothing like this ever happens again: the abuse or the priest shuffle and ass-covering.

But the cynical side of me is not holding my breath. I know that the kinds of things that need to happen to begin to address the harm done will tear apart the Church in such a way it will take a while rebuild. Not to say that we should protect the Church over children. I would never, ever say or imply something as wicked as that. But, I am realistic about how hierarchy works. It will take some deep honesty and humility to activate the root-level change that needs to happen. Considering how things have been handled so far, I am not at all hopeful.

So how does one respond when one's Church does not live up to the ideals upon which it was founded? I am not free to leave yet. I have no place to go; no other place where I'd want to worship. But without change, I cannot see myself raising children in such an environment. And, while I know that the I would be raising a family in a local Church where I would have more oversight, I am still not quite willing. Some of it is that I don't want to commit myself on that level; but I am not yet free to leave.

This heartbreak song, seems somewhat appropriate for my current angst. It helps that it's Adele. She's quite good at communicating so much emotion with they turn of a phrase.

Song of the Day: Monday

Work seems to be a little slow, which is ridiculous. I have plenty to do, just not tons of people demanding my time. I gave my first quiz on Friday and am happy to note that the majority did well. That makes me happy.

But, there's still a lingering sadness for me about Friday and Saturday's communication. Really frustrated, too.

I'm back to my old tricks of using music to improve my mood. This song is so powerful.

Song of the Day: Saturday

It's been a while, I know. Things got a little busy and, unfortunately, it was easy to drop blogging. But, baby, I'm back!

The past couple of days have been difficult for me. I had a text exchange with a relative who has essentially told me that she loves me but she doesn't want me to make her daughter my beneficiary. I'm not sure I understand it, but I definitely feel rejected. We've had this exchange a couple of times before where I try to get information to make this young lady my beneficiary; my requests are ignored. Kind of a bummer. Since I have no children or spouse she would get the bulk of my paltry retirement benefits as well as life insurance. But I got a no.

Follow up emails make me wonder if the mother really understands what I was asking. But I don't want to belabor the point. And I don't want to set myself up to get punched in the gut again. Instead, I will continue to check in with the daughter directly (she's over 18, but her mother wanted me to ask her first) to find out if she needs anything that I can help with.

I can be positive about the situation. It's the closing of another chapter at home. The cutting of ties that have tethered me to a place where I've not always felt at home. And, as my aunt said to me last night, I am a good person and this doesn't reflect on me.

But honestly, I am hurt. I feel rejected all over again. And really sad.

So, as I think over today, this song comes to mind. Adele seems quite capable of singing my emotions for me.

Song of the Day: Friday

So I forgot to post again. But there is a reason.

On Monday I got a really great offer. On Thursday I officially accepted although there was no doubt from the beginning that I would. On Friday I talked to my big boss (BB) and decided that it was okay for me to start telling people at work.

And, in the course of telling people, I found out that my BB, who suggested that I not tell anyone about the prospect until I had a tangible offer, had spilled the beans in a meeting. And didn't tell me. Didn't acknowledge the mistake. Possibly suggested that people pretend that they didn't know. So, as I made my rounds telling folks one of the persons let me know that he knew it was a possibility and when I pressed, indicated that it had been spilled in a meeting. But, he said that he respected me too much to pretend that he didn't already know of the probability. Because the BB let it slip in a meeting.

This begs the question of who else was in the meeting since these meetings usually entail more than two persons. I have a guess of at least one person who most likely was in the meeting who pretended not to know. And it also undercuts the stern lecture that the staff got a few weeks ago about the hurtfulness of gossiping. Because I know these people well enough to know that it almost definitely a full-on discussion that followed the slip of the tongue.

So last night I was a little bitter and having a carbo-fest with sangria to make myself feel better. Lucky me that all that I ate Friday night came off in the morning!

I can understand the need to share my potential news with the higher-ups for planning purposes.  But it would have been nice to have the BB come clean about the issue. I would have respected the BB more even if I was hurt by the breaking of a confidence that she encouraged. Mistakes are forgivable when confessed, even if "no one will ever know." But to pretend or cover up--especially after advising me to say nothing--is an issue that I will remember for a long, long time. I may never say anything. I, hopefully, will not behave differently.  But I will always know. And I will struggle with whether I can ever again trust you with my secrets.

Anyway, rather than go the route of torching this b*tch (and how does one do that on a blog?!!), I thought I'd instead select an Adele song about rumors. I love Adele. When one looks at her, her voice is so unexpected. And, after she is done singing, one doesn't expect such a strong Cockney accent. But I love it! And I love her!

Song of the Day: Wednesday

Today has been a long day. I began a battery of meetings from 9am to 5pm--most of them with me talking. Good times for the introvert! Compound my day of talking with the fact that I woke up with a headache. Could be that third of a bottle of wine that I drank last night or the fact that I got about 5 hours of sleep before running through the gauntlet. Overall I found the people surprisingly nice, generous and kind--not that I expected them to be mean so you know that they were beyond-beyond!

Anyway, through out the day, this is the song that played in my head as I wandered through the day and I felt myself slumping from fatigue. I found a video of a young Adele singing and playing "Daydreamer" on Jools Holland. Beautiful and refreshing.

Song of the Day: Tuesday

Today I had a number of songs that I'd planned to list for song of the day. But in the past few days, this is the song that keeps playing in my head. I love Adele!

Song of the Day: Thursday

I am so happy the weekend is just a day away. Really long week and still a lot to get done before I can call it quits for the weekend.

Honestly, there were so many songs going through my head today that there wasn't one that just stuck with me. Instead, I present you with Adele.

This song reminds me of the Chicks' Taking the Long Way. Not sure why. Maybe it's just because it's the emotional reminder of going home, the good the bad and the unspeakable. Different stories but the same.

Song of the Day: Monday

It's Valentine's eve and I am still single. I watched the Grammys and have Adele on the brain.